"its one of those unforgettable moments that happen as a child, when you discover that all this time the world has been betraying you."

its sad that this is so relevant to everyone. i have a used copy of this book; it's underlined boldly. it hit me. i dont know. i miss that feeling you feel prior to that moment. like, everything you say is what you genuinely want and there's no problem with dreaming. everything is attainable, and yet there was still promise for the future, promise that once something is attained, a new hope takes its place. i want a taste of what it's like to be naive again, I guess. but is that still possible to have? if it's not, then why do we all struggle through everything we do as humans? i'm skeptical to believe that old people are still enjoying life (some anyway) even after learning that 'hey i'm at the end and the world really has always betrayed me." and its all just a double-entendre because really, what am i doing now? i'm dreaming. promise for the future. gambling that things are really as attainable as i want them to be. i guess maybe it could be the same feeling, just evolved. compromised? compromised. maybe that's the feeling of loss that hits you in thoe moments. it's about our stubbornness to be the spider to leave its web of safety. so maybe this shouldn't be interpreted as such a loss as i first read it. and i understand that there are others out there who could work it into similar motives. and there are some who think i have smoked my brain into a giant terd.

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: high
Hearing: "Seaside" & "Naive"- The Kooks

she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said "did you come here to tell me goodbye?"
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
"yes. it's really goodbye this time"
and far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast
and it all fell so far

and she said
"you are a miracle, but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light

and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths"

what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires

but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths

so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing in

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Hearing: "Coffee & Cigarettes" - Augustana

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: bored
Hearing: " The Perfect Crime #2"- The Decemberists

I like believing that the world is a good place. Out there, there are swingsets and summertime sunrises and best friends who always listen. Stretches of highway to get lost and find yourself on, big cities, small towns, and unforgettable adventures. Options for the future, chances to grow, endless possibilities of who you can meet.

Some days are more difficult to have that point of view. And I don't understand random acts of violence. I know there's a psychology about it, and you can't blame someone for having diseased thoughts, but Jesus Christ, when innocent people die at someone else's hand, I am slightly less hopeful for all the aforementioned things. No stranger has the right to barge into my life and interrupt my hopes, dreams, plans, and promises by shooting me in the face.

So yeah, I'm sad for all those 33 people and their families, friends, acquaintances, and the people they would have potentially crossed paths with.

That's all.

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: aggravated
Hearing: "Full Force Gale"- Van Morrison

So I "talked" to Steve. Not so much talking as yelling. Apparently he and Scott had planned on asking me if I still wanted to go since I hadn't hung out with any of them in a while, but Stevie L got to me first and just uninvited me. And now that I think about it, he's always been that way. He thinks he's so ballsy but he's really just stubborn, which in my mind is the most cowardly thing you can be. So yeah, we're not going to associate with that bullshit anymore. Anyway, I yelled at Steve and ended up yelling at him for pushing me away and isolating himself from everyone who knows him and cares about him. I think my good quote of the fight was " You are missing out on so many opportunities by not letting yourself be the person you were before. I am here for you as your best friend, and you need to take the opportunity to not exclude me from your life to be Steve again."

And then we did all the huggy blah blah blah and decided we were going to try to hang out more than we have been lately. And he is going to try to talk to me and keep me updated on how therapy and whatnot is going.

In other news, coffeehouse boy (Peter)'s party is themed. Gay Superhero. Montse is going as Inspect-Her Gadget. Andrea and Laurel are being Jean Gay (Gray) and Storm from X-Men. I am going as Jesus. What..he was a gay superhero, right?

oh, and also:

Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle.
Say the following questions aloud, and press play.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.


How does the world see me?:
The Way I Am- Ingrid Michaelson

Will I have a happy life?:
On Love, In Sadness- Jason Mraz (eee)

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Wherever, Whenever- Shakira (yeah, bitches. you know it)

How can I make myself happy?
Bohemian Like You- The Dandy Warhols

What should I do with my life?
Forever Lost- The Magic Numbers (that's promising)

Will I ever have children?:
24- Jem (that's too many hahaha)

What Is Good Advice for Me?
Laugh In Their Faces- The Whitlams

How will I be remembered?:
One Song Glory- Cast of Rent

What is my signature dancing song?:
Hurricane- Jeff Cohen & The Rocksteady Explosion (wooohoo a campus band!)

What do I think my current theme song is?:
Smoke Signals- Melissa McClelland (not bad, actually)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
I'll Do Anything- Jason Mraz

What song will play at my funeral?:
So Long- Rilo Kiley

What type of men/women do you like?:
Stupid Girl- Pink

What is my day going to be like?:
Massive Nights- The Hold Steady

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: drained
Hearing: Massive Nights- The Hold Steady

hiiiiiii.
i'm exhausted. but it's good-exhausted.
my boss and i compromised the whole "on-call" thing. apparently i can be on-call if i work 4-7 saturdays. whatever, i'm down with that.
i'm doing marketing for the independent newspaper with my friend heather newberger. not heather hynes, although that would be just as fun (i tried to leave you a note when i came to longview sunday but i couldnt find paper. i saw your shoes, though).

yeah, i'm not in the mood for a real entry.

iTunes Survey!

How Many Songs Total?
777. It's not a lot, but if I get caught downloading again, I'll get my internet taken away.

Top 5 Most Played Songs:
Boats & Birds- Gregory And The Hawk
Tech Romance- Her Space Holiday
9 Crimes- Damien Rice
The Reason Why- Rachael Yamagata
Independence Day- Ani DiFranco

Shortest Song:
Life Support- Cast of RENT ( 00:56)

Longest Song:
Constantine- Something Corporate (9:37)

Search "Love":
53 songs

Search "Death":
5 songs (they're all Death Cab)

Search "Sex":
4 songs.

Search "Hate":
3 songs

Search "Girl":
44 songs

Search "Boy":
22 songs

Now put it on Shuffle and see the answers to the following questions, and if you feel like it, put some lyrics up:

How do you feel today?
" I Could Not Ask For More"- Edwin McCain (yeah, that works. i'm satisfied)

How do you feel about your relationship?
" Life Is Wonderful"- Jason Mraz (this is true. steve and i are good. we're both tired, but that's okay. lots of cuddling and pillow talk.)

How do you feel about your life right now?
"Wreck Of The Day"- Anna Nalick (a little too depressing to relate to me right now?)

How do you feel about your family?
"Zombie"- The Cranberries (i feel like a zombie when i'm home?)

How do you feel about your school/work?
"Breakable"- Ingrid Michaelson (We are all breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys. yeahhh, school broke me last semester so i'm working on it)

If you describe your best friend?
"Thank You"- Alanis Morissette (this song describes more of a thank you to self experiences, but i guess it works. thank you to all my friends?)

If you describe your boy/girl friend?
"Another Word For Desperate"- Straylight Run (this one didn't work so well)

How would you describe your past?
"The Hat"- Ingrid Michaelson (this works. the song is about looking back on a past relationship and loving it for what it was. i guess that's a way to describe part of my past, because i've feeling feeling as though my dating days are gone for a while, and that's okay with me)

How do you feel about your future?
"Ghost of Corporate Future"- Regina Spektor (i would like to believe that i would appreciate other aspects of my life besides my career. i know i will be a so-called slave to corporate america being in advertising. but i guess i've always thought of myself someone who "takes off both their shoes whatever chances they get")

How would you describe yourself?
"Where Is My Mind?"- Pixies (hahaha, pretty perfect. i am quite flighty)

How would your friends describe you?
"Recommendation"- Mirah (this is kind of a love song. but i guess that's how some people would describe me. "i recommend that you think twice/ and i always give the best advice". I give okay advice, i guess.)

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: sleepy
Hearing: "Headlock"- Imogen Heap

Ok, first of all.
http://neonation.zoomshare.com/
Please read that. It is befuddling. I literally do not know whether to laugh or pull my hair out in worry for the world.

K, never mind. I'm gonna laugh because that's more me lately. Global warming, crazy gaymen-hating lesbians, being home for a month with my crazy nosy mother, being away from school friends and having nothing to do, expensive college textbooks, NOTHING seems to be able to bring me down.

I went to Oneida the other day to take care of Steve when he got his wisdom teeth out. His parents are sort of absent (it's a wonder he turned out the way he did. He got the independence from them, but it seems the rest he found on his own), and they forgot to take time off work to bring him to the appt and back. So I came and did that. His mom was very thankful and apologetic. She works two jobs- one at a spa and one as the nurse in charge of an ER. She is very successful, as is his father, but there is a different kind of detachment from her. She seems to feel bad about it, while his father seems to make up for it by shelling out cash and/or martinis.

Anyway, he was hilarious on anesthesia. And was very grateful that I came there to help, and it felt like one of those 'clincher' moments in sports. Like, yeah Ian, your team's safe. No other team is going to beat yours with a score like that (Shut up, I made a sports analogy. I sort of know sports). I just feel real good about us. I've found someone whom I love enough to fight for, and to hold my ground for. And I've found someone who not only loves me back but who actually deserves me. So yay.

And I have good new music.
I didn't do as hot as I was hoping this last semester. I am barely clinging to my scholarship. Like, they're rounding up so I can keep it. So next semester, I better be brilliant...
...I've already started kissing my professors' asses.

That's all I've got for now. Happy new year to ya'll. My resolution: to stay in this state of mind.

Oh, and to work out more. That's all. K bye!

Seeing: Sodus, NY
Feeling: cheerful
Hearing: "I'll Find A Way"- Rachael Yamagata, "Small Parts"- OohLas

one more final tomorrow morning at 7:30.
one more shift at longview on thursday from 4-7.
and then i am donneeee and going home for a month.

sorry, I haven't updated in a long time. mainly because i have no life, due to school. however, the way I'm predicting my grades to turn out, it looks like this semester may be 3.2-3.5, which is my personal best since I've been in college (yeah i know, it's not a great best, but whatever). so yay, all this hard work has paid off a bit.

now it's off to starbucks and playing N64, and going to bed early to own my last final.

_ian

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: anxious
Hearing: none

Ok, so yesterday was a good day for me socially. Although I feel myself getting clingy to Steve again, because I'm afraid of him leaving. Your actions feel much stupider when you understand your own psychology.

Anyway, he went to Horseheads (near Elmira) to visit some friends, so I went to dinner with Meg Mizanty and her friend Heather. And then the three of us went to see Meg's roommate in some Harold Pinter play which was inside a house on Farm St. It was actually a really cool theatre experience, and Heather and Meg are both really fun.

Then Russ called and invited me to partake in some fun times at the Megs. It involved everyone having their own bottle of cheap champagne, and playing cards. Then Ally came over and we played Truth or Dare and we all ended up in our underwear like we were in middle school. Then she took us to Taco Bell in my car (eight seems a lot less people when you're drunk and outside the car, and a lot more when you're drunk and inside the car).

Then I called Steve and he didn't answer so I left a voicemail, and fell asleep.
Woke up and filmed with Meg Mizanty, Meg McNamara, her sister Sarah, and Jason.
Then went to brunch with Steve L, Russ, Ally, Jackie, Black Meg, and Scott.
And now I'm here, procrastinating again.

Oh and also, I called into work yesterday for no reason. I'm a lazy fuck. But I'm quitting soon anyway, because I can't work next semester because I'm taking a shitload of classes and have to get involved on campus.

Seeing: Ithaca, NY
Feeling: sleepy
Hearing: "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas"

One Song

One song from early childhood:
Sail Away- Styx

One song you associate with your first big love:
When You Come Back Down- Nickel Creek

One song that reminds you of one of your holidays:
December Baby- Ingrid Michaelson

One song you like, but hate to admit:
Infatuation- Christina Aguilera

One song listened to while you were lovesick:
Constantine- Something Corporate, Kiss Me Fool- Fefe Dobson

One song you listened to most often in your life:
Closer To Fine- Indigo Girls

One song which is your favorite instrumental:
Reminiscing With Grandma- Anastasia (Dreamworks)

One song by one of your favorite bands:
Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin

One song in which you recognize yourself or through which you somehow feel understood:
These Days- Nico

One song which reminds you of a certain occasion (and the occasion):
American Hearts- Piebald

One rap/hip-hop song you like:
Breathe- Fabulous

One song that helps you relax:
Kaleidoscope- Kate Havnevik

One song which symbolizes a great time in your life:
Calendar Girl- Stars

One song which is your favorite at the moment:
Starting Now- Ingrid Michaelson

One song you would dedicate to your best friend:
Stand By Me- from the movie "Stand By Me"

One song no one besides you likes:
i love the song "Thank You- Alanis Morissette" and everyone says it's their least favorite alanis song

One song you like because of its lyrics:
A Better Son/Daughter- Rilo Kiley

One song you like which is not in English:
Receoso de voce- Nelly Furtado

One song that helps you work out:
Ne Me Quitte Pas- Regina Spektor

Seeing: Sodus, NY
Feeling: exhausted
Hearing: "Show Me Love"- Kate Havnevik